The Hardest Part, part 2.

I was listening to one of my favorite songs, the Hardest Part, by Coldplay, and reflecting on how it had been my anthem for a little over a year...until now.

The Hardest Part speaks to me about how hard letting another person go is. Saying goodbye as they leave your life that they filled so full of love and joy...even though you might try to fight to get them to stay in your life somehow. They were your silver lining on the cloud, and now they're gone, and you can't figure it out or what it's all about. It's the hardest part of life.

...And then again, maybe the reason I had been so upset over the last few years at college is that there was no breath of fresh air. No sweeping in of new people in the front door of my world. Only a few, here and there, but I would be so eager to welcome them I'd ruin it for both of us. They would come into my world and I would make them my whole world...even done tactfully so that I wouldn't overwhelm them like a clingy borderline person, somehow even if they were my whole world in spirit it would still be ruined.

And here I am. New city, new job, new life. I'm happy as I can never recall being. My life has new dignity that I never knew I needed from working for my pay, it has new excitement and adventure from being in a new place with new people. And learning new things about God! I didn't realize how much my faith life had been stagnating from being in a community that remained the same age while I got older!

There's just one thing that's...odd.

It feels like I've known these people before. Even as I've been writing about new aspects of my life, there's something that feels distinctly the same. Every person I meet reminds me strongly of someone else...sometimes I know who that person is, and sometimes it's only that I feel déjà vu when I see them.

It's an odd new cognitive dissonance. On the one hand I feel like everyone I meet is so unique and unlike anything I've ever experienced...a new universe to get to know! It's so exciting! Limitless potential to explore the life and experiences of another person...as soon as we know each other well enough, I guess. Then on the other hand, it feels like I already know everything about them. Is this a counselor thing? Is this my intuition gone wild?

Maybe I'm just imagining things.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream that the hardest part was over.

The Hardest Part.

And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part...Was the hardest part...

http://youtu.be/6Dod1zQuleM

Every once in a while, I'll find a song that I really like. It just...fits. It makes sense for me to play this song and like it. This is that song.

I do not like writing posts like this. I know that people perceive writing like this as passive-aggressive and overly emotional. Too much information. It helps me to have an easily accessible chronicle of thoughts throughout the years. That is enough reason for me to indulge myself. I don't expect people to understand, least of all those closest to me - family, friends, etc. That said, I will move on.

This song for me is about futility. In the past half year I have felt defeated. The hardest part about about it is  having to let go. I always want to be more like Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. "NO! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!" But it's easier when all you need to do is train and get stronger and then try to punch the bad guy again. This is different.

My last post chronicles my feelings about people well enough for one to understand the importance of family, friends, and even acquaintances to me. This post is more about the effects of the futility in trying to achieve some sense of sentiment among those I know.

It seems more often than not my relations to other people involves more letting go of rather than taking part in their lives. Often I feel this is the hardest part of my life...as goes the song. I just have to swallow my pride, swallow my anger/sadness (I could feel it go down...bittersweet I could taste in my mouth).

It is utterly futile for me...always...in trying to have some semblance of constant support in my life. But I have no choice but to accept it. Life has to go on. If it is true that in a year, I will move far away and no longer have any friends, so be it. I had a dating relationship and that failed. I tried to have another and that is failing and will fail again, I'm sure. I am beaten. It is useless (Oh and I, I wish that I could work it out). Just the utter uselessness of all my efforts to change the way my relationships go. Nothing ever changes. That's the hardest part.

But I know that there really is no changing other people. I harp on this time and again: no one owes me anything. If people don't want to believe that their surface level understanding of their friends is not enough, then nothing I can say or do will change that (Everything I do, it just comes undone). If people would much rather be out of my company than reciprocate my friendship, then they will have that (You really broke my heart). I'm tired of begging people to be my friend anyway. Watching as they live their perfectly happy lives without me in it. That is their right and I have no reason to be offended. But yet I am, and I hate it.

It's just God and me. Always (You're silver lining the clouds). But "it is not good for man to be alone." I have real friends, it is true...but they are so few. Most of the time it is just a matter of waiting until the next time I may see them again.

Now, my only motivation in continuing thus is to simply be the kind of person who does the things I do. I go to mass because I want to be the kind of person who goes to mass, not because I want to. I go to class and do my schoolwork because I want to be the kind of person who works even though they don't feel like it. I continue to (try) being charitable and loving to people I am angry at because I want to be the kind of person who is charitable and loving to people he feels have done him wrong. Nothing I do...do I do it because I feel it will actually change my circumstances (I wonder what it's all about).

There it is. I know this is probably a bad idea to put this on the Internet but I just don't care. I am doing what I want to do.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream for an easy part.