On saying "No."

I have taken a little longer to write a new post, mostly because I've realized how little I have to say that I haven't already said.

I recently applied to give a talk at a retreat. This is one of those secret retreats I'm not allowed to give much detail about, so I'll be giving as little detail as I can while still getting to my point. I had been on this retreat only once before, and unlike most people who went on I never applied to be on team. I've even had two years longer to do it, and only now that I've come to my last chance to do so have I applied. There were multiple reasons for doing this, but I did always help the retreat in some regard without being on team. Things that you can only do by not being on team for the retreat.

Well, I was denied. They offered me a different position that didn't exist when I went on the retreat - it was created simply so that they could have a larger team and not deny so many people. I didn't take it. I said no.

I have thought about this for a few days. I've talked about it with only a few people, who all seemed to believe I was acting out of anger, jealousy, or selfishness. Or some combination of those three. I'm not surprised, it was more or less what I expected to hear. I do have a few practical reasons for not going, one of which being that I don't actually have time to do it. I would be giving up sleep and meals, and I have already had to cut back on those. Sure, I was prepared to do that to give a witness, but to do a position that I could show up with no preparation and do exactly the same? Selfish or not, I said no.

I have made an effort to not share as much about myself as I once did years ago. I did this out of a concern that I was being too attention-grabbing and making things too much about myself. This never meant, however, that I didn't want to share about myself. One thing I've always wanted to do but never asked for until now was to have a chance to talk in front of my community about the mistakes I've made and how I came out of it alive - so that maybe those lessons wouldn't be wasted on just myself. Well, I asked and they said no. And so did I, in return. Right or wrong, that's how it played out and I want to think I made the right choice.

Having something bad happen to you, like rejection, is always about trying to make the best out of a bad situation and moving on. I hate sounding like a pity party but I've been doing that for a long time now and I am sick of it. I just want something to go my way. But life doesn't work according to our demands. Very well.

In response to all of this stuff I have written about for months, I have gotten very defensive of myself. My life has curled in on itself. I feel like I need to defend myself, because I'm the only one who can. I don't have anyone else who can look out for me like I can. I don't expect those who called me selfish to understand how hurt I am, how that hurt gets compounded on top of more hurt. When you're hurt you need medicine. My medicine is saying no.

I don't expect that things should always go my way, but I can always refuse to play along with other people's demands. People don't have to respect me. But if they won't respect me, I will work on ways to better respect myself. And right now, I believe respecting myself means refusing to give up hours of time that I need so that I can heal my mind.

Maybe someday, I will have a chance to share my life with people without needing to go out of my way or whoring for attention. But that is not this day.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of saying no.

"Ka is a wheel."

“Ka is a wheel; its one purpose is to turn. The spin of ka always brings us back to the same place, to face and reface our mistakes and defeats until we can learn from them. When we learn from the past, the wheel continues to move forward, towards growth and evolution. When we don’t, the wheel spins backward, and we are given another chance. If once more we squander the opportunity, the wheel continues its rotation towards devolution, or destruction.”

I continue to be amazed by life's circular nature.

Ka, in the quote above, is a word meaning destiny or fate from Stephen King's The Dark Tower, a seven eight book series chronicling the adventures of Roland Deschain, the last and greatest gunslinger, and his quest to find the Dark Tower, save it, siege it, and climb to the top. Roland's world is dying...as the Dark Tower is threatened, the fabric of existence is wearing away. Even time itself ceases to work correctly. The demons that have chased Roland his entire life and killed all of his friends are slowly revealed to be the very demons behind the slow demolition of the Dark Tower...which they wish to destroy so that they may rule over the darkness left behind.  Roland - the cold but romantic prodigy and representative of all that is good - frequently must travel beyond the realm of his post-apocalyptic world to others, where his foes follow his fast hands and blazing eyes to their deaths, in order to save his world and all the worlds.

But in the end of the story, Roland's ka...his destiny...is revealed to be circular. It is his curse. As it is mine.

Well, I'm being dramatic because that's what re-reading The Dark Tower does to me, but really. It seems as though every other year I am undergoing the same trial - but in a different time and with different characters. I get what I always say I want - a chance to do it over again. It's amazing and aggravating all at the same time.

Two years ago I made a mistake that proved to be both wonderful and terrible - and wonderously reversible. For the most part. However, again I am pressed into the same situation at exactly the same season and mode of life. And this time, in the words of Inigo Montoya...I will not fail.

But sometimes, I wonder if how I plan to do things the second (third, fourth, really) time is really the best way after all. What if, indeed, I am only making things worse? How long will the cycle end? But then again, this is the sort of thing that, as a friend pointed out, "you only have to get right once." And that is a comforting thought.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream of linear ka.

The chronic thinker.

I've concluded that stopping the downward spiral of thinking that is my brain is as difficult as stopping a train with a flyswatter. Prevention is the best medicine.

A chronic thinker is someone who relentlessly contemplates everything. Thoughts can run from anxiety-provoking thoughts like "I wonder if we're in tornado alley? I better check. OHMYGOSH WE ARE, I GOTTA GO MAKE A SHELTER" to depressing thoughts like "They haven't called. I guess they're not interested. No one calls. So no one is interested in spending time with me." It likely has little to do with intelligence and more to do with emotion.

Observe: Last weekend was a nightmare for the chronic thinker I am. I had already been starting to get quite upset by how quickly many of my friendships had disappeared once I was no longer around to try and keep them going. How little it seemed most people thought of me unless I was right in their faces. So, I emailed a long lost friend and my last girlfriend, just innocently asking how they were and what they were up to. Nothing more. Then, I had to take part in my friend's wedding. It was an honor and a nightmare. For one, I had to see my last girlfriend, who seemed to be virtually inseparable from her new boyfriend. I felt as though I missed her. I began to make the connection between her and the last time I was happy, realizing again what a support she had been in my life where friends and family were failing me. I kept trying to remind myself that it was not her I missed, but the loving support. No use - my thoughts kept bouncing back and forth like a bouncy ball in a concrete room. Wondering where I'd gone wrong. Thinking about what we had been together. Hating myself for thinking about that because I knew I was right to end the relationship and it was the best thing for us.

Continuing on, I thought about how I lost a lot of the friends I had when I broke up with her. How they cared more about her than about me, even though I was hurt, too. How none of them except the guy I was friends with before we dated tried to be my friend anymore. Making the connection between that and my current misery. Reflecting on how it was my own choice, my own unselfish desire to do the right thing that led to us breaking up and destroying what I did not know was my biggest support group in life. Reflecting on if I hadn't broken up with my last girlfriend we might be engaged/almost engaged by now...and that we'd be planning our wedding. Thinking again about how pathetic this all is and I should be happy with myself for just doing the right thing and continuing to be myself.

Repeat.

Wrote a letter to a girl I loved and respected before she moved away. Tried to keep it brief, friendly, and optimistic. Failed. Cried miserably the entire time I wrote it. Reflected on how every time I write this girl a letter I don't stop crying until I finish the letter. Told a friend I missed her. Wondered what might have happened if I had seen her the way I see her now months ago. Tried not to think about it. Failed that, too. Told another friend, one of the few to actually still really care about me, to stop texting me everyday to make sure I was OK even though I appreciated it because it was making me too emotionally attached. She agreed. Reflected on how wretched doing the right thing can make you feel sometimes. Hated myself for not just being happy I did the right thing. Went to sleep.

And woke up...fine. Fine! I've been fine all day. What's changed?

I'll tell you. I didn't start thinking about it. So I haven't thought of this stuff all day until now. This is just one of those things I'm still figuring out about myself. If I can keep myself away from the things that trigger me (Facebook, certain people, some texts) I don't start thinking about that stuff...and I remain OK.

Now it's written, so now I can't forget. I said I was the only one who can help me, and now I am.

There was a dream that I dreamed, a dream to slow it down.